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Friday, 27 May 2005

New toy

(Two weeks ago) Me: I wonder when Orange are going to finally get around to releasing the Treo 650?

(Last week) Me:"Trust Orange to release the Treo 650 while I'm having the busiest week of my life (to date, so I don't get told off for belittling wedding preparations). Oh, and all the cool people here have Treos. I should get me one of those.

(Early this week) Me: Hm. 100 for an upgrade. Suppose I'd better suck it down.


Orange Customer Retentions: Hello, my name is [blergh]. How can I help you?

Me: I want to leave. I'm fed up. I want a Treo, and I'm prepared to go to Vodafone or 3 for it. (Yeah. A great bluff, seeing as those networks don't even offer that phone)

Mr OCR man: I see. Please hold.

(Hold music)

Mr OCR man: I'm going to pass you along to a cheery young woman with a strong regional accent (because either (a) research has indicated that you will be more receptive to sales pitches when they're presented with a strong regional accent and/or (b) our call centres are more likely than not situated in areas where, let's be honest, the cost of labour is a little lower than, say, certain areas of south east England) who's going to help you.

Me: Uh huh.

Cheery Scottish woman: Hello! My name's [Cheery Scottish woman]! I'm here to help you! (and I bet you have a genuine people personality, too). Mr OCR man's told me you're thinking of switching networks. Why is that?

Me, petulantly: I want a Treo. And I want more free minutes.

Cheery Scottish woman: (tappity tappity tap) A Treo 650? I can certainly do that for you.

Me, rather more perkily: Really? And how much will that cost?

Cheery Scottish woman: Oh, nothing! I can do that for you for free!

Me: I see.

Cheery Scottish woman: And let's look at your account. Hm. Well, you're paying for x cross-network minutes, but using y. Why don't we give you y-x minutes extra, for free, for 18 months!

Me: Okaaay.

Cheery Scottish woman: Is there anything else we can do for you?

Me: A pony?

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