Extenuating Circumstances

Last night, over dinner:

P, to R: How do you get unseeded watermelons?
Me: They get entered through wildcards.

Me, to R: The police investigating the Madeline McCann abduction released a man without charge.
R: …
Me: He was neutral!

R: I’m going upstairs. I’ll meet you up there?
Me: Wait. We should synchronise our watches.

I kill me.